Jenny's Couch, Book 5 Chapter 18 (Lilah's Song)

While Lilah slept through the day, the weather turned ugly. Heavy clouds moved in and lowered, darkening the sky so it seemed like dusk. By midmorning it was thundering and the rain was pelting down so hard that when Renee was ready to go home after her sleepover, I drove her. Not only would she have been soaked within ten steps, she might've even gotten lost - visibility was so low I drove barely faster than walking speed. It was still coming down at noon so I drove Karen to the no-kill shelter where she was volunteering.

When I got home, Lilah hadn't moved in her kennel. The only signs of life were the slight rise and fall of the blanket and the drool bubbling out between her lips. I caught up on some paperwork while Cindy worked on a book report for school, and then after an early supper I made hot chocolate and we climbed into bed and I introduced her to Bend It Like Beckham. Probably not many father-daughter(ish) pairs that watched the movie debated whether Jess or Juliet was more fuckable, but it worked for us. (Opinions were divided.) Cindy worriedly checked on Lilah several times but there was no change. I was willing to let her sleep but I worried what I was going to have on my hands when she finally awoke.

The temperature was dropping and the forecast was for the precipitation to become sleet and freezing rain, then clear up by morning. It was so dark so soon that it was easy for us to turn in early. Cindy put on what she called her granny nightgown, floor-length heavy flannel, and I spooned her in my bed. I was so exhausted from the morning's turmoil that it was not difficult to ignore the erection I got from her warm little butt pressing into me, and the drumming of the rain on the windows with the regular boom and rumble of thunder lulled me into a dreamless sleep so deep that I never heard the kennel open.

Lilah stepped off the porch and was instantly soaked. The rain was freezing cold and mixed with sleet and the gusting wind drove it nearly horizontal, pummeling her naked body with water and innumerable tiny pinpoints of burning cold from all directions. The rain quickly washed away the dried blood on her face and in her hair as she trudged across the yard. The pounding rain stung the large bump on her forehead and her whole head hurt.

The alley had become an ankle-deep icy rushing stream. Her feet ached from the cold and then quickly went numb. Stumbling, half-blinded, snorting water from her nose and blinking sleet from her eyes, the child could hardly see where she was going.

And then the voices started. They hid under the drumming of the rain on the pavement and the howling of the wind. There were two of them. One reminded her of every horrible thing that had been done to her, and the second coldly recited every horrible thing that she had done. As they talked, each thing played out behind her eyes, as vivid as if it were happening all over again.

Being pierced over and over again and metal stuck all over her face and body.

Blowing up the monster cave so the monsters inside were burned alive.

The electric needle jabbing her everywhere and covering her with ugliness that would never come off.

Shooting the monster and watching his blood fountain up when the bullet shattered his skull.

The huge jagged needle piercing her tender vulva over and over as she screamed and wept and struggled.

Hiding in the policeman monster's car grinning as she waited to kill him, and laughing when his blood splashed onto the window.

Having her teeth pulled without anesthesia, and then the metal tusks hammered into her jaw in their place.

Killing all the sleeping monsters one by one, slicing them open with the knife and watching their blood soak into the dirt.

The rapes, so many that most days she lost count.

Slicing off the monster's penis as she climaxed, then cutting his throat and bathing in his blood.

Being cut with knives and burned with cigarettes.

Her tusks slicing into the black monster's wrist and drinking his blood.

Her daddy choking her with his cock and then dropping her onto the floor.

Shooting the black monsters, watching them fall and blood puddle around them.

The cunt monster whipping her vulva until it split open and blood spattered everwhere.

Jamming her knife into the throat of the black monster raping her, so hard that it stuck in his spine.

The horrible machine in her cunt that had kept her in constant agony.

Faster and faster the images crowded in on her, filling her eyes with horror, her nose with the stink of hot blood, faster and faster Lilah ran naked through the pounding rain until the sky split apart with lightning and the thunder crashed and knocked her off her feet and she rolled through the streaming ice-cold water and curled into a ball with her eyes squeezed shut tight, screaming, screaming, screaming at the top of her lungs for it to stop.

And it stopped. The voices stopped. And the only sound was the beating of the rain and sleet on the pavement, the hammering of Lilah's own heart, her breath rasping in her throat, and a whimpering that after a minute Lilah realized was her own voice. She clapped a hand over her mouth, pressing her tusks into the skin of her face until the points pricked her skin and the small pain reminded her that she was a monster, and monsters didn't cry.

She scrubbed her eyes clear of rain and tears and looked up. She had made it to the fence surrounding the highway overpass. The metal was slippery, she was shivering violently and she felt as weak as a new kitten, but she climbed it. She almost slipped going over the top and impaled her cunt on the razor wire but she caught herself in time. But then she lost her grip and she fell ten feet down onto the broken concrete, landing on her side. She lay there feeling jagged knives when she tried to breathe in and wondered if she had the strength to go on, or if she should just close her eyes and let the cold sink into her until the world went away. But something, pride or anger or just stubborness, made her keep going. Groaning, she forced herself up on hands and knees. Her skin was scraped raw all along one side. She got to her feet and limped on.

She splashed through dirty water for the last few dozen feet to the shelter of the highway bridge. For a few moments she just stood there shivering with her skinny arms wrapped around herself, sleet melting in her hair and cold water dripping down her face and body. She rubbed her hands rapidly up and down her torso, careful not to snag her pierced nipple, trying to chafe some warmth back into herself. Then she set off walking towards the flickering light visible through the forest of concrete supports, her bare feet negotiating the undergrowth of garbage, junk, and vermin.

Lilah walked up to the circle of monsters. Even the fire seemed dispirited tonight, and the group was quiet. But the monster Lilah knew best was there, wearing a dirty wool cap and a ragged coat, smoking a ragged cigar and staring gloomily into the fire with his hands tucked under his armpits for warmth. Lilah walked up and didn't take a seat like she usually did, just tugged at his elbow. He looked down at her and his expression warmed a trifle. "Hullo, monster," he said quietly. "What are you doing out on a shitty night like this?" Lilah pulled on his arm, making a wordless, urgent sound. "What is it, monster? What do you need?"

Lilah didn't have the words to explain what she needed. She wasn't sure she even knew. So she used the only word she had. "Penith," she lisped, and the man chuckled but then he saw something in her face, in those dyed all-blue eyes, and the laugh died in his throat. He nodded gravely and let her lead him away into the dark.

She led him straight to the makeshift shack that served as his home. As soon as they were inside, Lilah tore at the man's ragged trousers, popping the button in her haste. She yanked open the fly of his underwear and crammed his penis, not even erect yet, into her mouth. It stiffened quickly enough as she massaged it with tongue, lips, and gums. It swelled until the glans poked at the roof of her mouth and slid back until it reached her soft palate and then her epiglottis. She swallowed greedily and felt his cockhead slide into her throat, then opened her mouth wide to push her lips down until his springy pubic hair tickled her and the unwashed scent of him filled her nostrils. She pulled back, gulped a quick breath, then shoved her face down and swallowed the cock again, feeling it swell against the constriction of her throat, feeling its heat with her tongue. The shack was filled with the wet, rhythmic sounds of the cock plunging into her throat again and again until the man pressed his fingers against her ears and pushed her away. She let his penis pop out of her mouth. The head flicked against her nose ring as it sprang upwards, fully erect.

Lilah looked up into the man's face. Despite a playful smile shaping her lips around the tusks poking out of her mouth, he looked beyond the blue dye to see something sad and desperate in her eyes. But he met her smile with his own, and put his hands in her armpits and picked up the child - she weighed almost nothing - and tossed her onto the dirty pile of ragged blankets and rugs and lumpy cushions that served as his bed. Lilah's playful smile became a lewd smirk as she spread her skinny legs wide, displaying the scarred skin of her inner thighs, and crooked a finger in the dim light. The man flung off his coat and the many layers beneath it, baring a big belly covered by a heavy mat of black hair. Pants already at his ankles, he dropped down between Lilah's wide-spread knees. She was wearing a bedraggled ribbon threaded through her vulva, too wet and crumpled to even say what color it might have been. He didn't even try to untie it, just yanked at it hard. Lilah protested wordlessly as her hairless vulva was stretched and pulled until the ribbon broke and slid free of the six silver grommets. The man fisted his erection, bent it down so the purple head, shiny with Lilah's saliva, nudged at the opening at the bottom of her puffy, tattooed vulva then without pausing shoved it brutally home.

Lilah cried, "Aaaaa!" as she was penetrated and her tiny channel yielded and stretched to accommodate the man's adult girth. His grimy, callused hands almost completely encircled her skinny thighs and he began thrusting, fucking Lilah as hard as he had ever done an adult woman. Lilah threw her head back and her eyes rolled up in her head. Sharp, explosive grunts were forced out of her each time the man's cockhead plowed into the little knot of her immature cervix. Her hands reached blindly up until she tangled her fingers into his chest hair, balling her hands into fists and hanging on as the flesh battering ram tried to shove her up and off the end of the pallet.

Man and tiny girl-child rutted together until Lilah's tattooed body gleamed with sweat and her grunts became ragged and strained. As the man felt the tingle of impending climax, he took one hand and seized the bright red bead of Lilah's clitoris between thumb and finger and squeezed, rubbing the two rough digits against each other with her tender bud smashed between them. Lilah stiffened, gulped in a breath and screeched, throwing her legs up in the air and kicking her feet against the man's belly. Her whole body jumped and spasmed but the man's cock pinned her pelvis to the grubby blanket. With a loud series of groans, he came and Lilah felt his penis swell further, stretching her insides almost beyond their limits as his ejaculations filled her with liquid warmth, prolonging her own orgasm until, with a final, massive shudder, she collapsed and fell back and her head thumped onto a cushion. She lay there, her belly filling and hollowing with her ragged panting. After a minute her eyes opened and her eerie blue eyeballs locked onto the man's gaze. Her lips pulled upwards and she mouthed a single word: "More."

The man was still stiff inside her. As he withdrew a flood of semen squished out around the sloppy juncture, coating Lilah's thighs and clotting the holes in her bald vulva. With a tight, squeaky little queef and a liquid squelching sound the man pushed back in and started a slower, more deliberate rhythm. Every few strokes he rubbed his finger over Lilah's clit, wrenching a bubbling "Ahhhrrr!" from her lips as drool spilled from the corners of her mouth and her whole body clenched and shuddered.

Much later, the man lay on his back with Lilah collapsed across his fat belly, her head lolling against one shoulder and arms and legs spread over his girth. Semen oozed from her reddened and distended vaginal opening down into his tangled black bush. The chrome tusks that had been hammered into her jaw kept her lips from closing properly, so drool leaked from her mouth and ran down the man's neck. It was dry inside the shack but the draft whistled through it freely, chilling the perspiration that covered their bodies.

"I woke up, and it was like I woke all the way up for the first time in, I don't know, a really long time. Before, I wasn't thinking about anything, I was just doing. When the bad monsters had me, it hurt too much to think about when I was a little girl before, or if I'd ever get away. I couldn't think about anything but getting through each fuck, each time they stuck needles in me or burned me or cut me. And then the angel came and I just did what it told me. But it told me to kill all those people, and I did." Lilah was crying softly, her tears wetting the man's chest hair. "They were bad people and they should've been punished, but not by me. Not killed by me."

"Shh, shh, it's alright." The man ran his hand gently up and down the smooth, tattooed skin of Lilah's back.

But in response she pushed herself up and her steel-blue eyeballs bored into him. "It'th NOT! I killed them! I stuck a knife into them and their blood came out and I saw them die and it made me laugh. And now I can't stop seeing it." She drew a long, shuddering breath and put her head back down. "I can't stop seeing it," she repeated quietly.

For a time, the two just breathed together, the man's hand continuing to stroke Lilah's back. "And then I ended up in this house, with people who are nice to me. They're nice to me, and I get good food and a warm bed and nobody hurts me and they only fuck me when I want them to. But now I recognize them. Every one of them hurt me before. Karen told me I was a whore when I was too little to know better and she made me do it with grownups and she let them hurt me and then she made me do it with my Daddy and he made me do it with all his friends. Renee whipped my cunt until blood came out, and then she stuck a big needle through it and sewed it up. And their uncle laughed and fucked me too, and when my Daddy went away he let his friend give me to the monsters and they turned me into, into...this." Lilah was crying again. "And I didn't think about it. I didn't think about anything except not being hungry and fucking when I wanted to feel good.

"But now I can't stop thinking about it. All I can think about is before I was a monster, when I was a little girl and my Mommy loved me. But Mommy's never coming back, and I'm a monster and I killed people and the people who say they love me all hurt me and, and, and, I can't stand not knowing what to do, what I should do. What should I do?" The question came out as almost a wail.

"Shit, I don't know, monster," the man said. His voice was a low rumble that she could feel vibrate in her belly. "All's I know is, the past is the past. You can't change it. You can't have it back. I'll never be a Professor of Chemistry again, and you'll never be a little girl again. Done is done. You can't change the past, but you make the future. You decide what you're going to do and who you're going to be from now on.

"Done is done," he repeated. "You killed people, okay. Sounds like they deserved it. You can't unkill 'em, but you can decide what happens the next time you see someone that needs killin' like that. You can decide if you want more blood on your hands, or if maybe it ain't up to you. You're a monster, okay, you're a monster. You can't undo that. But you can decide what kind of monster you want to be. Do you want to be the kind that hurts people, or that helps them? Do you want to spend your time getting even with people for the past, or making yourself a better future?

"And here's something else to think about. You have to hide now, 'cause you're just a little kid and if the cops found you or social workers or whatever, they'd take you and decide what to do with you and you wouldn't have any say in it. But that won't be forever. I bet it seems like forever to you, but eventually you'll be a grownup and then you can go anywhere and do anything no matter what you look like. And then if you want, most of the things those fuckers did to you can be undone. Even those tattoos can be removed nowadays. Hurts like a motherfucker, they tell me, but it can be done. So you can't be a little girl again but in time, you can stop being a monster and be a woman. If you decide that's what you want.

"So what's it going to be, monster?"

Lilah looked down at the man and in the dim light for just a moment it seemed like the crazed animal inked on her face disappeared and he could see the face of an innocent child. "Pwease don't call me that anymore," she said. "My name is Lilah."